Welcome loves! Here’s what I’m wearing:
Dear followers, friends, brands, pr-agencies, people I was supposed to meet or drink coffee with ages ago, I would like to explain myself by sharing a personal update on my health.
Over the past 7 months, I’ve already informed a lot of people, but I understand it can be confusing when you see photos of a – what seems to be – happy girl on Instagram. You’re right, I don’t look sick. But please remember to..
never judge a book by its cover, or in this case by its Instagram page.
My Instagram is all about fashion, which is only a tiny part of my life. But it’s an important part of my life and being able to share this passion with so many people is amazing. The fact that social media and content creation eventually became my job is also amazing and I don’t want to lose my beloved job.
Being able to work, even if it’s just a little, makes me feel worthwhile, useful and less of a patient. So during my good days, which I fortunately still have, I try to create content and schedule posts in advance, so I don’t have to worry about this when I’m not feeling well.
My Instagram is about fashion and therefore my content is a reflection of my style; not my personality, my life or how I’m feeling that day.
So what’s wrong?
March 2018 I started to feel really tired. I figured I had a burnout, so I started to take things slow. But the symptoms only got worse. It got to a point where I was constantly so exhausted I couldn’t keep up with life. I can only do about 30% of the things I used to, the other 70% I’m on the couch or in bed.
My lack of energy has made it hard to work, to do things that make me happy and to meet with people. It makes me feel insecure, useless, sad, isolated and lonely. The fact that my family lives in The Netherlands isn’t helping either. Though I’ve met great people in Sydney, I don’t have a really good friend I feel comfortable enough with to call when I’m down. It takes time and energy to build those kind of relationships. Time I have, energy I don’t.
Luckily I have my boyfriend, who’s been an amazing support.
Eventually, I got depressed and anxious, so I went to the doctor. It seemed I had severe iron deficiency, which can cause extreme fatigue and even anxiety. After 3 months of no results from daily iron supplements, I had an iron infusion 3 weeks ago. I was excited to soon be the old happy and energetic Lian again.
Unfortunately I felt even more tired afterwards and I started having pain in my legs. So bad that I have trouble walking and standing. After a few blood tests, it seems I have hypophosphatemia; an abnormally low level of phosphate in the blood. It’s beyond the point of solving it with food or supplements.
Hypophosphatemia is very rare and can be dangerous. The common causes of hypophosphatemia are not applicable to me, so it’s unclear what’s causing this. My doctor referred me to a kidney specialist. She told me that if something unusual happens with my health in the meantime, I immediately have to go to the hospital.
Since the cause is unclear I’m not on treatment right now, so it’s a nerve-racking wait until the kidney specialist figures out what’s wrong. This is all leaving me in an anxious state. I don’t know what’s wrong, whether it’s easy to cure, whether it’s something bad or how long it will be until I’m better. And it’s already been 7 months.
I’m trying to keep Instagram going as much as I can. I scheduled a couple of posts before I heard the news from the doctor last Thursday, so you’ll still get your doses of outfit inspiration even though I’m not in the best shape right now.
I hope this clears things out for everyone that I’ve disappointed by not replying or canceling/declining invitations. I also hope this shows that
what you see on social media is not necessarily a reflection of someone’s life.
As stated on Instagram, I couldn’t come up with something original. But hey, I’m binge-watching Orange Is The New Black right now, so what can you do?! Here’s what I’m wearing:
I’m staring at this blank paper knowing exactly what I need to write. Yet the words can’t come out. Why? I want this personal post to be entertaining, funny, I want it to show that I’m a pretty good writer and I want it to be a good representation of who I am as a person. And that’s exactly my problem. My need to impress others but even more so myself keeps me from acknowledging what’s truly going on: I am burned-out. And that’s really all I need to write and really all I need to acknowledge.
What does burned-out mean?
It means that your battery is dead. You have used up all your energy without realizing it. You’ve noticed that you were getting tired and you might need a break, but you ignored the signals of your body. When you realized your battery was dead, you used a spare one you had left instead of stopping and charging the initial battery.
There will come a point where the spare battery is dead too; a point where there’s no energy left and you can’t do anything anymore. And this is when you’re officially part of the burnout-club, welcome!
How did I get burned out?
It’s been a crazy few years filled with lots of challenges, good and bad. Here’s a “short” version of my lifeline:
I might be writing these events down as a summary of facts, but all of these moments involved lots of emotions, insecurities, and stress. I don’t mean this to be some sort of pity list; “Then this bad thing happened to me, then that bad thing”. This is literally what happened the past 2,5 year and it’s actually a pretty big eye-opener to me. And I never realized how many insane things happened in such a short period of time until I wrote them down. And two other very personal things are not even included… I realize now that it’s not so crazy that a time has come where I’m struggling with life. I also realize now that my burnout was definitely not caused by just working too much.
Setting high goals for myself
When we finally got back to Sydney early this year I wanted to make the most of it, as I felt like I just missed 4 months of my life waiting for our visa. More like 9 months actually, as living and working at the farm wasn’t much of a life for me. This was the moment to finally work towards the goals I had set for myself.
I worked hard and as a result, my career went sky rocking. If you follow me on Instagram you’ve seen it happen. But success can come at a cost. I was working 15 hours a day and hardly made time for things/people that really brought me joy. I ignored the signals my body was giving me and just kept going and going. As if life wasn’t stressful enough, I even moved house during this time.
Can’t release stress anymore
Due to all these events I apparently build up so much stress that my body literally got tight with tension 24/7 and I wasn’t able to release it anymore. Until the first day I cried for no reason five months ago. Lots of those cries would follow and I realized it was simply a way for my body to let a little bit of stress go.
Sometimes a cry wouldn’t be enough and the tension in my body would build up so bad that I’d get an anxiety attack. Feeling like losing control of your own body and mind is a very, very scary thing and definitely not beneficial for a healthy, positive mental state.
Neither is insomnia, which is a common thing for burned-out people. My body is so full of stress hormones that the sleep hormones can’t win. So even though I’m exhausted, I can’t sleep. Which gets me frustrated, which causes stress, which makes it hard to sleep, which causes more stress, which makes it even harder to sleep and hello vicious circle! Fun fact: It’s 4.24 in the morning while I’m writing this. Not so funny actually…
I realized I had to take this burnout seriously and I’ve taken lots of different steps towards recovering the past few months. For example: Meditating almost every day, doing a Mindfulness course, taking naps, saying no to work projects, saying no to friends, writing down all things that cause me stress and things that make me happy. I felt like my energy levels were slowly getting back to normal.
The worst thing any burned out person can do is to use up the energy you’ve slowly built up. Yet that’s exactly what I did. Why? I was just so happy to have a bit of energy again. I was so happy to finally get some work done, to see my friends again and doing things that make my life worthy. It’s a common mistake burned out people make. Result: I’m back to where I started.
Time to take it serious
I find it really hard to accept that I’m “sick” and having to respond to my body, my heart, my intuition. Even though these are the things that tell you what’s best for you. Instead, like so many people, I always listen to my critical mind that wants me to do stuff, that wants me to succeed.
This is probably the reason why of all things I tried, I haven’t tried to take a true break from work; stop Instagram, stop creating content and stop all the business stuff that comes with it. A part of me still feels that I should be able to get the priority things done. But what is your true priority when you’re sick? Getting better. It’s time for me to get better and do nothing for a while. Even though doing nothing makes me feel like a failure.
I’m taking a digital break starting Monday the 25th
I’m planning on doing so for a week, unless my body tells me I need more time. This is the reason why I wanted to share this personal story with you; I don’t want to just disappear.
I’m also sharing this to get people more aware of the fact that what you see on social media is just a small percentage of what’s truly going on in a person’s life.
But most of all I’m sharing this in hopes of reaching people, even just one person, that’s dealing with this as well. This story doesn’t contain an answer or magical solution to this shitty problem, unfortunately, but hopefully, it makes someone else experiencing a burn out feel less alone.
If you have any tips, things that worked for you, good books to read, maybe even the name of a burn-out specialist in Sydney, I’d love to hear from you 🙂